what once brought hope, now brings despair. taking things for granted leaves a bitter taste that lingers in your mouth; so don’t.
When you try your best but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep; stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can’t replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste; could it be worse? Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you.
And high up above or down below. When you’re too in love to let it go. But if you never try you’ll never know just what you’re worth. Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace. Tears stream down your face, I promise I will learn from my mistakes. And I… Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you.
Note: This is one of my all time favorite songs and I’m sure many people will say the same. It’s an amazing song and I think it’s one of those songs that we can all relate to at one point or another in our lives. Right now, the lyrics are hitting home and it has been on constant repeat all week. I heard it played live the other day and when I went on Youtube today this version popped up on my ‘Watch Feed’ and I listened to it and I fell in love all over again. Plus, these two singers are amazing(!) and I think they do a fantastic job with this cover. Enjoy the sound and feel the lyrics.
[And] I thought of all the bad luck, all the struggles we went through; how I lost me and you lost you. What are all these voices, Outside love’s open doors, make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more? I’ve been
learningtrying to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes, baby. The more I know, the less I understand and all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again. I’ve been trying to get down to the Heart of the Matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered but I think it’s about Forgiveness; Forgiveness, even if you don’t love me anymore.
There are people in your life who’ve come and gone. They let you down, you know they hurt your pride. Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on. You keep carryin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside.
My mom arrived from Manila at midnight last night and she brought with her a suitcase and two bags full of stuff from home. I put on a t-shirt this morning which she brought with her and like a flash flood the memories came racing through my mind. It really made me miss Manila. The smell of home – my fluff monsters, my big bed and my room, my pool, the couch and the gigantic 3D-TV we had in the living room. All of it. The kitchen, the baking, the food, the home comforts. Everything.
The first thing my mother did when she arrived from the airport was to complain about how messy my room was. “How can your room be this messy? Oh my goodness, why are there clothes everywhere? Why do you have food in your room? Put it outside! Oh gosh, it’s so cold in this room I can’t stand it.” Normally this kind of complaining would drive me up the wall and make me angry and frustrated because hello, I am no longer a child and neither am I a teenager living under her parent’s roof. I am 25 and yes, although I still live with family it’s not as if I were a hurricane sweeping through this house destroying everything I touched. But this time, I was actually amused at how quickly my mother can just pick up as if I never left home at all and for the first time since I moved here I actually felt like I was home. Call me crazy but it was a good feeling.
I have missed my family and I have missed my mother so much. She too has been going through a rough time back home and it feels good I have her with me now because as much as I need her here to hold my hand, to make me feel better and to take care of me, I know she needs someone who can do the same for her. I’m glad it can be me. I have never had a close relationship with my mother growing up – we were at odds with each other because I was not the typically obedient young Indonesian girl who was raised in Indonesia by Indonesian parents. I was a rebellious, internationally influenced young girl who wanted nothing more than to not fit that ‘young Indonesian girl’ mold and I was very good at being disobedient. My mother didn’t understand me and I didn’t understand why. I would get jealous of all my friends who had such cool moms; the moms who were hip and with the latest trends, the moms who would drop us off at clubs on the weekend and set a time for when she would be back to pick us up, the moms who would let us go to the mall even when we had homework to do. But as I have grown older we have become closer and I have grown to appreciate her, not just as my mother, but also as my friend. Yes, we still have our heated fights and disagreements but at the end of the day I know I can lean on her and she can help me feel better. More importantly I feel comfortable turning to my mother for help (even though it’s still hard sometimes) and know she will do her best to get me through whatever.
That is why I couldn’t be more happy that she is here with me now. I haven’t been able to talk to her about everything that I have been through the last week(s) yet because a part of me is embarrassed. Embarrassed because I was so invested in what I had with him and it swept me away. Because I was so sure he was my one I wouldn’t let anyone warn me otherwise and because even though she thinks I’m still young and have everything ahead of me, she understood what I felt when she met him and his family and saw us together. And now we find ourselves here wherever here may be. I know she will let me take my time in telling her because she knows that I am not ready yet and I will, eventually… But for now I know she’s going to let me cry my heart out and she’s going to hold me and help me get through this while she’s here and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.
It’s bad again. The feelings. I wish I had a switch to turn it off but it’s like a leaky faucet – even when the water isn’t flowing the drips don’t stop until you fix the tap. I miss him so much. I miss him so much and it doesn’t help that I can’t turn off my thoughts and memories of him. I still think of all the things I wish we could be doing together right now. I still think of him when I see something I know he would like. I still think of him when I do something and know it’s something he’d enjoy doing too. Even the simplest things, like seeing a food he likes (getting excited over finding HP sauce in the store is so lame!) Or watching a movie I know he loves… I wish I could turn it all off.
If only I could turn back time. I wish none of this mess ever happened and I know I’m keeping myself stuck wishing that things were so different but I can’t help myself. My conscience is not my friend. She keeps me up at night tossing and turning with the thoughts she pushes in my head. She fights me in my sleep so lately I wake up crying from my dreams. But it’s not at all a dream because he isn’t with me and he couldn’t be further away physically, mentally and emotionally.
I feel something akin to abandonment. I feel so alone when all I wish is for him to be with me again. It makes me feel like I didn’t give him enough to love me for. Even though my love for him is so fierce and strong, I feel like I didn’t give him enough to want to stay to feel it. Or maybe I gave too much and he didn’t want to feel it anymore…
I want so badly to speak to him. To message him whenever I see his name or picture. But then I remember I can’t now. Not now. I can’t do that when he doesn’t want it and I have to respect his wishes. I want to believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and yes I do know it can happen but sometimes I wonder how you sustain something when you don’t want to feel that person’s presence in your life anymore? Not now. I just want what I’ve always wanted – I want the best for him and because he’s so certain of it, the best for him is now without me.
But still, I miss him so much. I still really wish he was here.
This week has been incredibly busy at the office as we worked hard to complete the final preparations for today’s United Nations Day events. UN Day in Indonesia was celebrated, in collaboration with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, with a seminar and a photo exhibition showcasing 68 years of partnership between Indonesia-UN. This is the first big event that I have been to in Indonesia and it brought me back into the world of getting to meet government officials, members of diplomatic corps, CSOs and academia and network with them. I didn’t realize until today how much I missed the buzzing energy and environment of such occasions until today’s event – it gave me such a rush to walk around a room full of not only powerful but passionate people who work on creating a better future for a nation.
The world of ‘development’ is one that is filled with a great deal of pessimism in regards to the change people and organisations can create in and for developing countries, but today proved to be a good reminder of how the work we do together can make a difference in people’s lives and how regardless of the time it takes, we can create the change needed to positively impact people’s lives.
I think the most gratifying thing about today – besides the fact that both events went off without a hitch! – was when the Resident Coordinator gave his opening remarks at the start of the seminar. Instead of spouting the typical UN terminology to start off his speech, the RC wanted to use a story to capture the audience’s attention and yesterday when the team had a quick brainstorming session over a cup of coffee, I gave the suggestion that was chosen as the basis for the story line. To hear the RC tell the story I helped develop, and to notice the heads of several country team members nod in agreement and understanding throughout the reading, gave me such an immense feeling of excitement and satisfaction; a feeling which I have not felt in a long time in relation to my chosen career path. In the grand scheme of things I know this moment is really ‘no big deal’ but sometimes it really is the little things that can make a difference in keeping a positive frame of mind!
Although the last two days have been beyond exhausting, especially when I’m running on (my now regular) 3 hours of sleep, it has very much been a welcome reprieve from the tumultuous thoughts rolling around like thunder in my head. I have never dreaded going home so much for fear of being alone with my thoughts and emotions than I have this past week, and while it has been a relief to be this busy now that the event is over I have to find another way to deal with not letting the problems in my personal life affect, well, my personal life. I am more than happy that tomorrow is Friday because after going to hospital to see the doctor this week, being given a mountain of medicines to take and strict orders to stay home and rest so I can recover (orders which I blatantly disobeyed for all the work that needed to be done for today), I am looking forward to doing just that!
It is amazing how a song can trigger months and months of memories. It has become somewhat ‘dangerous’ for me to plug into my iTunes/iPod lately because there are (surprisingly) so many songs that bring with it a tsunami of memories that I wish I could keep at bay. It doesn’t help ease any of these feelings of longing. I miss him so incredibly much. Perhaps the hardest thing so far is the thought that I will never see him again, never be able to hold him, never feel his arms around me, never laugh with him, kiss him or love him like I so desperately want to, again. I knew the last time I held him would be the last time for a long time but I never thought that it could have been it. The wish that I could doing things so differently plays like a broken record in my head; it is on constant repeat all the time.
Today I heard MGMT and I remembered the last time we took advantage of a rare sunny blue sky and took a drive down to the beach. We walked, talked, ate and laughed. He shared his childhood memories of coming to look at rock-pools at the beach to watch for sea life and I felt proud to have him share it with me. On the drive home we had the windows rolled down and the sun roof/window wide open in his little red ‘old-faithful’ and we put MGMT on loud. I watched him goofily singing to the lyrics and tapping the tune on the steering wheel and I remember closing my eyes, smiling and laughing and acknowledging that this is what contentment feels like; it felt so good.
Today I heard Incubus and I remembered the last night we were together. He drove me to the bus station at 2am so I could begin my long journey away from him, away from my heart’s home, to another home a million billion trillion miles away. He broke my heart when he started crying when (what I now call) ‘our CD’ started playing in the car. I have never felt so torn leaving anybody behind. You’d think it gets easier the second time around but it only gets harder especially when you look back and remember how perfect everything has been and how happy you can be together. I wish I had savored his good-bye hug more. I wish I had kissed him longer.
Today I heard Calvin Harris and ‘We Found Love’ (as overplayed and corny as it may be/sound) will always always remind me of him. I know that definitely. It was the first time I went out in Norwich and he took me to see Calvin Harris with his cousins. That was the first night I heard that song and I fell in love with it right away. I remember jumping around with him on the overcrowded dance floor and screaming like a tween every time the chorus came up and the bass pounded loud in my ears. I still laugh whenever I think about it. I remember walking out of the club to have him hold my hand for the first time and I remember looking up at him and we just smiled at each other. That was also the night we first kissed (albeit, drunkenly) but boy, do I remember every bit of those kisses.
There are so many songs on my playlist that unleash a flood of memories of us together and while I rejoice to have been able to make those memories it makes me profoundly sad to think that there is a possibility we will never make more. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but I’m scared that as time passes he will actually find he’s great without me. I thought I would have a lifetime to make new memories of us…who knew.