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He Said, She Said.

Opposites Attract

[He]
And so he said, why you gotta be so kind-hearted?
Why you couldn’t be a con-artist? Why you couldn’t
Why you couldn’t be mischievous or just a lil’ devious
the moment that we first started?
Why you never ask for nothing, just a lil’ time?
Why you let me use yours cause I don’t got mines?
Why you always lift me up when I’m completely giving up?
Why you giving me your last, knowing you ain’t got it?
Why you always buy me something when you going shopping?
Why you tell me that you love me? Why you always thinking of me?
Want my company rather than going club hopping
Why you treating my momma like she your momma too?
Why you making promises that you’ll forever do?
Whatever just to make me happy, wanting us to have a family
These are exactly the reasons why I cheat on you, sometimes

[Us]
We hurt people that love us, love people that hurt us
Hurt people that love us, love people that hurt us
Sometimes I, sometimes I feel we share
nothing in common, it ain’t fair
But where do we seem to fall?
Where do we seem to fall?
Tender love and care, once upon a time
Once upon a time, we was there

[She]
And so she said, why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you don’t know what you mean to me?
Why you always playing games? Why I feel like you ashamed
out in public, curse me out and make a scenery?
Why text messages popping up saying hi daddy?
Why you treat me like I’m nothing? Why you always at a function?
I be wanting to go out but you don’t never ask me
Why you always assuming that I still love my ex?
Every time we get into it, I’m the one that’s feeling stupid
You don’t need me, you gon’ leave me, that’s your favorite threat
Why you never know how it feel to be lonely?
Why I feel I’m the last option after your homies?
Why you always gotta know that I will never let you go

["She Says She Loves Me"]
She says she loves me, she says she loves me
so she clings to me even when I want to be left alone
But she’s beautiful
Like sometimes when I have things on my mind, she’s the perfect person to listen
and she only gives advice, she says when I give her a cue
She says she loves me
Like when I wake up in the morning
she’s sitting on the edge of the bed with a plate of food, wanting to feed me
She says she needs me, she says she loves me
Or like when I’m stepping out of the shower
she’s standing there with the towel, wanting to, wanting to dry me off
She says, she says she loves me
So instead of admitting that she has made another mistake
she says, she says she loves me
And I don’t know about love
Post inspired by Kendrick Lamar wisdom.
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I’ve Never Been So Wrong

strong

Excuse me for a while,
While I’m wide-eyed and
I’m so down caught in the middle.

I’ve excused you for a while,
While I’m wide-eyed and
I’m so down caught in the middle.

Yeah, I might seem so strong,
Yeah, I might speak so long,
I’ve never been so wrong.

Excuse me for a while,
Turn a blind eye
With a stare caught right in the middle.

Have you wondered for a while?
I have a feeling deep down
You’re caught in the middle.

Yeah, I might seem so strong,
Yeah, I might speak so long,
I’ve never been so wrong.

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Oh Brazil…

Watching the Brazil vs Germany game right now. It is slowly coming to an end – 3 minutes left until it can officially be said Germany is taking home this game – although when they scored their 5th goal 29 minutes into the game it was pretty much sayonara Brazil! To be honest I’m pretty disappointed by the match as I was expecting a bit more of a fight from Brazil! The semis could have been a super intense fight but alas this was not meant to be…

This is a very apt description of the game:

1404852702125Congratulations my German men! I never doubted you for a second ;) On to the next one! On that note I’m so glad I don’t have work tomorrow! 5am bed times are so not my thing anymore!

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Help Me Lose My Mind…

I’m starting my morning right by picking up from where I left off on Saturday night! I present to you: Disclosure. It is rare these days that I find a full album that I can listen to on repeat without 1) skipping through half/more than half the tracks or 2) getting crazy bored. These two dudes from the UK are definitely getting it right though! I’m sure some if not most (if not all!) of you have heard their track “Latch featuring Sam Smith” (another stupendously talented musician from the UK who is SO adorable, has the voice of an angel and who I love to no end (!!!) but we’ll get to that another day). It has probably fallen into the category of seriously overplayed on radio because it is so brilliant BUT I pretty much love their whole album and have three or so tracks which are my faves. I also generally don’t listen to electro[-ish] music but will listen to anything by these guys! What I would give to see them live because I heard they’re rare-ies that sound just as brilliant live! Here is my second favorite track (with Latch being my first, of course!). Hope the week ahead is all good vibes and here’s to staying on that positive tip!

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War of My Life

I’ve always loved John Mayer and his ability to really dig into the dirty of emotions and in particular love. I was listening to this song of his last night and it could not be more apt to how I’m feeling right now; they seem to be streaming straight from inside me! Listen – really listen – and understand.

I don’t care if we don’t sleep at all tonight, lets just fix this whole thing now.
Red wine and Ambien, you’re talking shit again, it’s heartbreak warfare.
Good to know it’s all a game, disappointment has a name it’s heartbreak.

—-

You were the one I always dreamed of, I was the one you tried to draw
How dare you say it’s nothing to me?
Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw.
I love you more than songs can say, but I can’t keep running after yesterday.

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As a Manner of Distraction…

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Today I ran my first 5k marathon! Despite not having trained whatsoever for this run I managed to not only turn up for the run itself but was also able to make it through the event with nothing more than a nasty blister on my foot. It is rare that I say I feel proud of myself (for anything) but today I am proud of myself for this! I have always admired those who run regularly and those who always take part in marathons (half or full or even just for fun). They always make it look so easy (but of course they’re also much fitter than I have ever been in my life) but they also make it look so … rewarding after they cross the finish line! Participating in these runs has always been something I’ve wanted to take part in and time and again I would tell myself: “I’ll sign up after I gym longer and I get fitter. I’ll sign up when I have more time to train. I’ll sign up when I’m feeling lighter and I’m not so fat anymore” … Of course none of that ever happened and nothing really changed and so consequently I never signed up for a marathon – until now.

When my cousin first told me at the beginning of May that there would be an event called the “Electro Run” in June, I was immediately intrigued. Time passed and I forgot that there was even an event to begin with but then I started seeing adverts for it and I decided… What better event to participate in for your first 5k run? The event would be at night when it’s significantly cooler, there would be a really great race course with a concert ready for us at the end of the race; plus, you’d get free glow sticks, glow glasses/headbands and flashing wristbands as part of your race pack! I mean, c’mon how cool does that sound?! And so I made the rather spontaneous choice during my work break at lunch to approach my boss (now ex-boss and more friend) and ask her if she was keen to join me and when she said yes I knew that at least I would have one person who’d hold me accountable for showing up on the actual day!

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As a manner of distraction I can say this race worked its magic in filling my brain for 5 hours with other thoughts besides my argument with him last night and the other thoughts I’ve had about this relationship moving forward or not. It has been a pressing issue which has lingered in my mind all day and I’ve tried all manner of ways to distract me (read as: doing a million chores around the house) but nothing seemed to work until this evening. Having to focus on keeping my legs moving and my breathing (and not passing) out during my run is obviously the choice method of distraction that I need to go with from now on! Even though I’m thinking about my relationship worries again at least I had a short reprieve during my run! Your thoughts really do disappear as your legs keep moving forward! A further blog on my relationship worries will have to follow (on my other page).

As far as first races go I think this one can definitely be qualified as a success! I wouldn’t say I had a ‘ball’ running in the humidity of the night and sweating my butt off, but it was fun to participate in something so different from what I’d normally do – which is to stay at home and be a vegetable on the couch. In fact, I think this race has been so much of a “success” that I am even contemplating doing another 5k run if the opportunity should present itself – but this time with just a bit more training to back me up! Lets see how we go :)

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Matters of the Heart

I don’t even have words to describe how tapped out I feel. I feel like I have nothing in me to give anymore; every part of me is exhausted. Every time I feel like I am about to break through another massive wave comes crashing down on me. The past week has seen me constantly on the verge of breaking down and there is no one here who I can turn to. No one who can support me the way I need or want. In more ways than one, I have been less alone in the past 3 weeks than I have been in the past 10 months but life’s irony is that I feel more alone than ever and it is making me… desperate. I don’t want to keep feeling this tiredness in my bones. The pressure of tears waiting to spill over every time the distraction of keeping busy at work falters makes me feel so weary and weak. I don’t know how to adequately deal with the situation(s) that I have been handed.

Four major changes have taken place in my life over the last three weeks: I left my old job, I started a new job, I rekindled a romantic relationship and my family has finally moved back to Indonesia. All these changes are essentially good – I lost a job but gained a new one, the person I love is back in my life and I can be with my family as often as I want. Yet since last week started with me saying good-bye my guy, being exhausted from travels, starting a new job, being thrown into a work trip that was stressful and exhausting, coming back to the city to go straight to the airport to pick up my family, to a weekend full of sorting the living situation, to starting a new job and running on 9 hours sleep over a span of 3 days because of the world cup being aired in the common area outside of my room and the climax of the week: having to deal with an explosive family situation that threw me completely off kilter… to say things have been overwhelming is a massive understatement. I have not been dealing well and to top it off, the one thing that was keeping me really happy also went sour tonight as a result of a big argument. It seems like every time I thought things couldn’t get worse this week, they did. When will it stop?

[Disclaimer: This post is long and the lengthiness really only begins now!]

Leaving my old work place was bittersweet. Things were getting tense between people and I felt like the ‘middle-man’. While I was incredibly lucky to have landed in such a warm and welcoming place to start my career in Indonesia, I was also glad to have the chance to move my career on to a bigger and more serious role. The new work place is an incredible step up for me: it gives me the chance to focus on a specific thematic area in development and as reporting officer I have a great deal more responsibility. Being back in the office this week has been a struggle mostly because of sleep deprivation. I have been thrown into the deep end by joining the team mid-month with my work due at the end of the month this means: lots of catching up on who does what, who did my job before, reporting formats, information collection and analysis and expectations! Knowing I have about 2 weeks to process everything and submit 4 reports by the end of June (esp. with a wasted week) has made it so difficult for me to feel confident in my ability to do the job. I thought: Why the hell am I here? Why did they choose ME (of all people) to do this work?! Of course, once I got my head in the game yesterday I felt more comfortable but the pressure is on and I’m still nervous as fcuk because I have to get this right!

Perhaps the biggest upset for me this week, the event that drained me the most emotionally, mentally and even physically, has been my family situation. The tension between my brother and parents have been building for several months now and when he arrived on Sunday the tension was palpable the minute he stepped into the apartment. On Wednesday night my sister contacted me literally freaking out and saying that she really needs my help and when I read the messages I knew something had happened between them (my parents and brother). A huge fight (both physical and verbal) had broken out between my mother and brother and the result was that my brother had a panic attack complete with hallucinations and my mother gave an ultimatum to my dad: either my brother gets his act together or she leaves the family. When I heard that my heart just jumped straight to my throat and I felt so sick. I panicked in a big way and didn’t know how to respond. How is it that my family got here? These are the things that you hear happen in movies – no parent actually threatens to leave their family, do they? Big smack of reality in the face there. Needless to say I rushed to the apartment as soon as I could on request of my dad to suss out the situation myself. I didn’t know what to say to my family – I was so disappointed in my brother but I was horrified at what my mum had said. Would she really leave us? I read a quote a few days before this event:

“I also know that there are few issues that will destroy you faster than matters of the heart.”

So apt. It could not have been more true after I walked into my parent’s room that night to try to talk to mum, only to find her curled up in a ball under the covers crying her eyes out. Honestly? I can think of nothing worse than seeing a parent in such a fragile state. That’s where you’re supposed to be – you’re the one that’s supposed to be consoled. You’re not the consoler but that is exactly where I found myself. As I sat crying on the edge of the bed hugging my mom’s legs and listening to her talk about leaving, about how she could fail so horribly as a parent, how she felt misused and disrespected by her eldest child, I felt a part of me break inside. Although the anger was directed towards my brother I still felt as if I had failed my parents as their child and it made me feel so small. Useless. Since then my brother has seen a doctor and gotten some medication but the tension is still palpable under the surface. My brother is trying to do right and do better and my mother is trying hard to keep herself together but underneath the somewhat ‘normal facade’ that has covered up our wounds, I am scared that there will be another outburst and then mum will really leave. Yes, every family is ‘dysfunctional’ in its own way but I never imagined for a second that my family would end up here. I don’t know what to do or if there is anything I can do. I’m scared and it makes me feel even more alone.

My relationship was the one thing that was keeping me somewhat happy throughout all of this. Yes, things were overwhelming but it helped that I had him to distract me. But then all of sudden today things went off-kilter and an argument exploded in my face. It was the last thing I wanted and the last thing I needed. It is difficult re-kindling a flame to start anew but walking down the same old road you were on before. Stupid decision or wise decision to give it a chance? I guess only time will tell but it has been difficult. Difficult to get the trust back on track and difficult for me to deal with being away from him again. Of all the things that I want the most would just to be able to be with him so that we can try to be a normal couple and do things normal couples would do. It was so good before and those memories will always be there but sometimes I wonder if that is all we’ll ever have – those memories of that time. Trust has always been the main factor for me in any relationship and I never realized once broken how difficult it would be to rebuild it. I’m trying to get past some of the barriers in my head (and heart) that will allow me to put that trust in him again. Sometimes it works so well and I’m cruising on the high of being able to put that trust in him again; but then it’s like a trigger. Something happens and I remember all of the hurt, all of the anger and feelings of betrayal and I go back to square one and trying to bring the walls back down again. It’s not impossible to rebuild trust; everybody knows that it takes time but I don’t know how to do it. Yet, if this relationship has any chance of ever working out I know that I have to try and probably much harder – and I want to! – but I just don’t know where to start… This is what the argument was about tonight – trust and not trusting, trusting but no trust. I wish he believed me when I said I’m trying and if he doesn’t then where does that leave us, too?

Life has been complicated (especially) lately. I feel as if I will never be able to shake off this feeling of bone-deep fatigue and sometimes I don’t even remember what it feels like to not feel this… drained all the time. It’s like I need to constantly keep go-go-going otherwise if I stop I’m just going to fall flat on my face and not get back up again. I wish matters of the heart weren’t so difficult. I wish things didn’t hurt so much.