These are the words I tell myself with everyday that passes and I receive no news from any of the jobs that I’ve so frantically applied for. It’s OK. Everything is going to be just fine.
Just don’t panic.
It has been a year since I last found myself in a “state of panic” over the job hunt. It’s amazing how much the prospect of not being able to find a job before the current one ends can cause an individual so much stress and anxiety; my heart speeds into overdrive, my stomach churns with wave after wave of butterflies and my head spins with endless thoughts. It makes me feel sick. I’m feeling so unsettled about my future which in turn makes the future of my relationship topsy-turvy and that in turn makes me feel even more panicked and I wish it all didn’t feel so much like a snowball reaction. I know the feeling won’t get better until I lock something down and can justify letting my guard down to feel stable again.
What makes it worse (for me, of course) is that other people who were in the same boat as me have been contacted and/or offered positions in new places. Even worse is when it’s someone who doesn’t need to look for a job right now because they’re already secure in their position and yet they find an opportunity they want for the future and in less than 2 days it’s theirs. I know this will sound green and pitiful but it’s not fair. I want to pound my fists against the wall and scream it out loud. And I want to wail. How is it so easy for them and so difficult for me? Not one place I have submitted my application to has contacted me regarding the dozens of applications I have sent out over the past 2 or 3 weeks – not even a response to reject me and even to me right now that would be better. At least there’s the acknowledgement of receiving something.
It’s not that I’m unhappy for my friends – I’m thrilled for them because I know what it feels like to worry and wait – but that’s exactly why I’m so unhappy for myself. I haven’t ever been known for my confidence in my abilities (or for my self-promotion) and all the events of late only seem to make me question myself further. I mean, if people like my friends (who I know are so incredibly smart) are able to find a job in a span of a few days or weeks, then that obviously means there’s something wrong with me because it’s taking me so long, right? Even though I work quickly and efficiently without sacrificing the quality of my work and even though I’m a quick learner, maybe I’m just not creative enough or assertive enough or take initiative enough… I have recently found myself comparing my abilities to a friend, who coincidentally took over my previous position and so much more responsibility has been given to her than it ever was to me, and it makes me feel so… inadequate. There was obviously something wrong with me to not have been given the same… What else could it be but that they didn’t see the same potential in me?
I’m trying to remind myself that everyone is different and so it’ll all be OK but it’s just getting so difficult. The struggle with hunting for jobs is in trying not to lose faith in yourself and not losing the strength to keep going when you don’t hear anything from anybody. That it’s all just a matter of time and if it’s meant to be it will happen, so just keep trying. The thing is that sometimes it’s just so damn hard.