Panic VS Calm

Staying Calm

Don’t panic.

These are the words I tell myself with everyday that passes and I receive no news from any of the jobs that I’ve so frantically applied for. It’s OK. Everything is going to be just fine.

Just don’t panic.

It has been a year since I last found myself in a “state of panic” over the job hunt. It’s amazing how much the prospect of not being able to find a job before the current one ends can cause an individual so much stress and anxiety; my heart speeds into overdrive, my stomach churns with wave after wave of butterflies and my head spins with endless thoughts. It makes me feel sick. I’m feeling so unsettled about my future which in turn makes the future of my relationship topsy-turvy and that in turn makes me feel even more panicked and I wish it all didn’t feel so much like a snowball reaction. I know the feeling won’t get better until I lock something down and can justify letting my guard down to feel stable again.

What makes it worse (for me, of course) is that other people who were in the same boat as me have been contacted and/or offered positions in new places. Even worse is when it’s someone who doesn’t need to look for a job right now because they’re already secure in their position and yet they find an opportunity they want for the future and in less than 2 days it’s theirs. I know this will sound green and pitiful but it’s not fair. I want to pound my fists against the wall and scream it out loud. And I want to wail. How is it so easy for them and so difficult for me? Not one place I have submitted my application to has contacted me regarding the dozens of applications I have sent out over the past 2 or 3 weeks – not even a response to reject me and even to me right now that would be better. At least there’s the acknowledgement of receiving something.

It’s not that I’m unhappy for my friends – I’m thrilled for them because I know what it feels like to worry and wait – but that’s exactly why I’m so unhappy for myself. I haven’t ever been known for my confidence in my abilities (or for my self-promotion) and all the events of late only seem to make me question myself further. I mean, if people like my friends (who I know are so incredibly smart) are able to find a job in a span of a few days or weeks, then that obviously means there’s something wrong with me because it’s taking me so long, right? Even though I work quickly and efficiently without sacrificing the quality of my work and even though I’m a quick learner, maybe I’m just not creative enough or assertive enough or take initiative enough… I have recently found myself comparing my abilities to a friend, who coincidentally took over my previous position and so much more responsibility has been given to her than it ever was to me, and it makes me feel so… inadequate. There was obviously something wrong with me to not have been given the same… What else could it be but that they didn’t see the same potential in me?

Faith

I’m trying to remind myself that everyone is different and so it’ll all be OK but it’s just getting so difficult. The struggle with hunting for jobs is in trying not to lose faith in yourself and not losing the strength to keep going when you don’t hear anything from anybody. That it’s all just a matter of time and if it’s meant to be it will happen, so just keep trying. The thing is that sometimes it’s just so damn hard.

Tipping Point

On Friday I received news that for the first time in my life I have been ‘Refused Entry Clearance’ into a country. I cannot begin to describe the shock and simultaneous embarrassment I felt from learning this news in such a public sphere; thankfully I chose the earliest time possible to collect my passport in order to “get on” with the rest of my day.

Long story short: I have had been planning for several months to visit SDC and his family in the UK for the Christmas holidays. It has probably been the most exciting prospect on my 2014 agenda and I applied for my visa early November thinking everything would work out smoothly. After all, the last two times I’ve applied for a UK visa went well, so why would I need to worry now? How incredibly foolish of me to think so. I can still see in my mind’s eye how excited I was to finally be receiving my passport back – I was confident that a visa would be in it! I hurriedly opened the package the officer gave back to me and although I did my damned best to keep my composure and confusion at bay, I guess I didn’t do a very good job of hiding it. I found a letter with a big bold Refused Entry Clearance heading and it said:

+ Given that you and your sponsor claim to be boyfriend and girlfriend it would not be unreasonable to expect to see some evidence of your relationship. However, aside from his letter of support you have supplied no evidence to demonstrate an ongoing and genuine relationship as claimed or that you have even met. This leads me to question how you know each other, the nature of your relationship and if your intentions are, on the balance of probabilities, as stated. Given all of the above, I am not satisfied that you are a genuine visitor or that you intend to leave the UK at the end of your proposed visit.

+ You have stated that you will stay in your boyfriend’s family home. However, given that your sponsor has provided no evidence that any accommodation is available I am not satisfied that you will be maintained and accommodated adequately in the UK without recourse to public funds or employment, or that you can meet the cost of your return or onward journey.

If I’m being honest, I have never really worried about being rejected for a visa – I would say ‘I really hope I get it’ but I think I always believed I’d get it because I’m so well travelled. I don’t mean to brag or come off sounding like a snob but I have been traveling since I was three because of my dad’s job and I have studied overseas my whole life – I guess you could say I took it for granted… To learn that I’ve been rejected (and I’m sorry, for the given ‘reasons’) has left me feeling so disappointed, completely baffled and utterly crushed.

Maybe I should have thought harder about other ‘evidence’ to provide, but I was applying for a general tourist visa and not for a special ‘partner or spouse’ visa and as their general list of required documents did not specify giving in-depth details of relationships, I really believed that the evidence we provided was enough. I’m sorry but who are you to say that my relationship is disingenuous or that we may not have even met when you have no proof for it? There is no certificate to show that people are boyfriend-girlfriend but they had all our details (telephones, emails, addresses) so they could have very easily contacted us to confirm or to request for materials but they didn’t. How are they able to prove the facts provided are false when they don’t even take proper measures to determine that?

I have provided more than enough evidence for my financial support – my father’s bank statements – and I have provided a letter of employment from the United Nations where I work. Then to say that they’re unconvinced I can meet the cost of my return journey when I provided them with my booked and already paid for return ticket home is just preposterous! It’s such a terrible situation and I’m so angry, sad and embarrassed.

I feel like someone who has done something so terrible that I’d be refused entry into a country. Maybe I’m feeling like this right now because the emotions are still running rampant through me, but I really do feel like a criminal. It is a horrible feeling and it’s not fair because I have done nothing wrong. This would not have been my first time to the UK and seriously, if I wanted to stay there illegally and take their jobs and money, I would have just disappeared after I finished my studies; I didn’t need to follow immigration laws or leave before my visa expired but I played by the rules. What makes me even more frustrated is that this has the potential to negatively affect my future visa applications and not just for the UK but everywhere!

I have not felt this hopeless in so long and it is really eating away at me. How quickly the decision can be made to ruin someone’s long awaited plans… I would have been able to get out of here for a while and escaped the negativity that has bogged me down for the past month. I know people will say this isn’t the end of the world and I know that too but it’s still so disappointing… I was so looking forward to spending time with SDC and his family in Norwich (a city I miss so much!) and I was looking forward to doing a bit of traveling around London and possibly Newcastle. I was looking forward to eating a massive Christmas meal, to drinking all day, opening presents and playing traditional games! My Christmas break was only 3 weeks away from happening and now there’s no chance of it even happening; all because an immigration officer didn’t believe I was telling the truth.

This was definitely my tipping point
</3

He Said, She Said.

Opposites Attract

[He]
And so he said, why you gotta be so kind-hearted?
Why you couldn’t be a con-artist? Why you couldn’t
Why you couldn’t be mischievous or just a lil’ devious
the moment that we first started?
Why you never ask for nothing, just a lil’ time?
Why you let me use yours cause I don’t got mines?
Why you always lift me up when I’m completely giving up?
Why you giving me your last, knowing you ain’t got it?
Why you always buy me something when you going shopping?
Why you tell me that you love me? Why you always thinking of me?
Want my company rather than going club hopping
Why you treating my momma like she your momma too?
Why you making promises that you’ll forever do?
Whatever just to make me happy, wanting us to have a family
These are exactly the reasons why I cheat on you, sometimes

[Us]
We hurt people that love us, love people that hurt us
Hurt people that love us, love people that hurt us
Sometimes I, sometimes I feel we share
nothing in common, it ain’t fair
But where do we seem to fall?
Where do we seem to fall?
Tender love and care, once upon a time
Once upon a time, we was there

[She]
And so she said, why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you don’t know what you mean to me?
Why you always playing games? Why I feel like you ashamed
out in public, curse me out and make a scenery?
Why text messages popping up saying hi daddy?
Why you treat me like I’m nothing? Why you always at a function?
I be wanting to go out but you don’t never ask me
Why you always assuming that I still love my ex?
Every time we get into it, I’m the one that’s feeling stupid
You don’t need me, you gon’ leave me, that’s your favorite threat
Why you never know how it feel to be lonely?
Why I feel I’m the last option after your homies?
Why you always gotta know that I will never let you go

[“She Says She Loves Me”]
She says she loves me, she says she loves me
so she clings to me even when I want to be left alone
But she’s beautiful
Like sometimes when I have things on my mind, she’s the perfect person to listen
and she only gives advice, she says when I give her a cue
She says she loves me
Like when I wake up in the morning
she’s sitting on the edge of the bed with a plate of food, wanting to feed me
She says she needs me, she says she loves me
Or like when I’m stepping out of the shower
she’s standing there with the towel, wanting to, wanting to dry me off
She says, she says she loves me
So instead of admitting that she has made another mistake
she says, she says she loves me
And I don’t know about love
Post inspired by Kendrick Lamar wisdom.

I’ve Never Been So Wrong

strong

Excuse me for a while,
While I’m wide-eyed and
I’m so down caught in the middle.

I’ve excused you for a while,
While I’m wide-eyed and
I’m so down caught in the middle.

Yeah, I might seem so strong,
Yeah, I might speak so long,
I’ve never been so wrong.

Excuse me for a while,
Turn a blind eye
With a stare caught right in the middle.

Have you wondered for a while?
I have a feeling deep down
You’re caught in the middle.

Yeah, I might seem so strong,
Yeah, I might speak so long,
I’ve never been so wrong.

Oh Brazil…

Watching the Brazil vs Germany game right now. It is slowly coming to an end – 3 minutes left until it can officially be said Germany is taking home this game – although when they scored their 5th goal 29 minutes into the game it was pretty much sayonara Brazil! To be honest I’m pretty disappointed by the match as I was expecting a bit more of a fight from Brazil! The semis could have been a super intense fight but alas this was not meant to be…

This is a very apt description of the game:

1404852702125Congratulations my German men! I never doubted you for a second ;) On to the next one! On that note I’m so glad I don’t have work tomorrow! 5am bed times are so not my thing anymore!

Help Me Lose My Mind…

I’m starting my morning right by picking up from where I left off on Saturday night! I present to you: Disclosure. It is rare these days that I find a full album that I can listen to on repeat without 1) skipping through half/more than half the tracks or 2) getting crazy bored. These two dudes from the UK are definitely getting it right though! I’m sure some if not most (if not all!) of you have heard their track “Latch featuring Sam Smith” (another stupendously talented musician from the UK who is SO adorable, has the voice of an angel and who I love to no end (!!!) but we’ll get to that another day). It has probably fallen into the category of seriously overplayed on radio because it is so brilliant BUT I pretty much love their whole album and have three or so tracks which are my faves. I also generally don’t listen to electro[-ish] music but will listen to anything by these guys! What I would give to see them live because I heard they’re rare-ies that sound just as brilliant live! Here is my second favorite track (with Latch being my first, of course!). Hope the week ahead is all good vibes and here’s to staying on that positive tip!

War of My Life

I’ve always loved John Mayer and his ability to really dig into the dirty of emotions and in particular love. I was listening to this song of his last night and it could not be more apt to how I’m feeling right now; they seem to be streaming straight from inside me! Listen – really listen – and understand.

I don’t care if we don’t sleep at all tonight, lets just fix this whole thing now.
Red wine and Ambien, you’re talking shit again, it’s heartbreak warfare.
Good to know it’s all a game, disappointment has a name it’s heartbreak.

—-

You were the one I always dreamed of, I was the one you tried to draw
How dare you say it’s nothing to me?
Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw.
I love you more than songs can say, but I can’t keep running after yesterday.