Life is, if anything, predictably unpredictable. In the flash of a simple moment you can laugh, love, cry, scream, feel sorrow, pain or joy. Literally, in the blink of an eye, everything can change. As we start a new week in the second month of this new year, I found myself getting up at 5.30AM to get ready to attend a funeral 3 hours away. Over this long CNY weekend, the husband of my work colleague passed away. Save for the flu and the persistent cough which plagued him for the past week, he was a healthy and hard-working husband/father, but on Saturday night he had a heart attack which ended his life. If it is hard for me to process this information through the shock I feel, I can only imagine what my colleague is going through. Although I had personally not known him, the thought that only 3 days ago my colleague was wishing me a good weekend as she headed home to her daughter and husband, makes me shake my head in disbelief. Can life really be so cruel? This incident once again proves the fragility of life and the importance of living in every moment as if it were your last (as overused and cliche as that line is) because who knows what can happen? And yes, life with all the beauty she gives can be one hell of a cruel mistress; anything is possible and everything can (quite simply) change.
This mournful start to the week/month is actually quite befitting in that the mood I have been feeling for the past week has been continued. In its own way, I am also in the stages of facing a (metaphorical) death in my personal life which has brought up feelings of deep sorrow, anger, frustration, embarrassment and to an extent some resentment as well. Last night I found myself colliding head first with my second heartbreak in the short span of roughly 3 months and to my embarrassment, the second round was done by the same person who broke my heart the first time. What’s that saying again? “Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice shame on me?” Safe to say I feel like a foolish and naive little girl who got her hopes up for a forever that was never meant to be. I guess you could say love blinded me to the reality of the situation because I was so sure he was the one for me. And because a part of me still believes he is the one, the notion that I will never see or speak to him again still hasn’t registered as 100% real. In fact, I feel like any minute now I am going to wake up from this nightmare and realize my heart is still in one piece. I know I shouldn’t kid myself about this: it is actually really over this time and he’s out of my life for good. No longer should I be thinking of him first thing when I wake up in the morning and last thing before I go to sleep at night. I shouldn’t be thinking about what he’s doing during the day or still be wishing I could be there with him instead of here. I shouldn’t be missing him. I shouldn’t think of anything to do with him and the future I thought we would have together because just like that, in the blink of an eye, he put an end to ‘us’ without breaking a sweat. I should remember that, in the grand scheme of ‘forever’, if waiting two additional months isn’t enough to sustain your feelings for the person you claim is “the best thing to ever happen to you”, then I deserve better. I deserve more (I know this in the back of my mind somewhere). I was willing to wait for however long it took because I believed that in the long run all this distance and hardship would have been worth the wait and at the end of the day, we’d still have each other. Silly stupid me – this isn’t a fairy tale and he will never give you a happily ever after. As much as I know it is time to move forward, it will be hard letting go. I can’t have him be a part of my life anymore and it (still) kills me.
I feel like I am starting from square one all over again just like after the first break up a few months ago. While I am not breaking down crying everywhere I go (like I did after the first round), there is still a heaviness in my heart that makes me feel weak and restless. I can say with certainty that the second round hurts no less than the first and it plain as day, sucks. Erasing the traces of someone from your life is no easy task, but I know myself and if I don’t go ‘cold turkey’ there is no way I can completely heal. Is this what it feels like to fall off the wagon? I guess it really is just one day and one step at a time…
Two thousand fourteen. Despite having only been through the month of January, it has already been full of ups and downs. The end of 2013 saw me fall off the Blog-o-sphere almost completely but I assure you I have made many attempts to get back into writing. Who knows, maybe this moment will help spur me back into writing again. There are so many things I hope will happen this year but what I hope for more than anything is that 2014 will be extremely different to 2013. It is safe to say that for me 2013 was akin to a ride through hell. I have never felt so continuously miserable and downtrodden as I did throughout the majority of 2013. I would really rather not have this year be a repeat of that. It is going to be hard bouncing back from this heartache again but I started to get better once and given time I know I can do it for a second time. Like I said, anything can happen. Everything can change in the blink of an eye so live every second you have with whomever or doing whatever as if it was your last moment because you really never know when it will be. Cherish every moment you have, good or bad. Take the emotions you’re feeling and really live through them – don’t hold it in or let it take over your life. Use those emotions, those memories and those lessons to strengthen yourself and to mold yourself into a better person who you can be proud of because you did it – you got through the really tough shit! I am going to try my best to live that way. Life is nothing if not predictably unpredictable – so why not grab it by the balls and swing?