I don’t even have words to describe how tapped out I feel. I feel like I have nothing in me to give anymore; every part of me is exhausted. Every time I feel like I am about to break through another massive wave comes crashing down on me. The past week has seen me constantly on the verge of breaking down and there is no one here who I can turn to. No one who can support me the way I need or want. In more ways than one, I have been less alone in the past 3 weeks than I have been in the past 10 months but life’s irony is that I feel more alone than ever and it is making me… desperate. I don’t want to keep feeling this tiredness in my bones. The pressure of tears waiting to spill over every time the distraction of keeping busy at work falters makes me feel so weary and weak. I don’t know how to adequately deal with the situation(s) that I have been handed.
Four major changes have taken place in my life over the last three weeks: I left my old job, I started a new job, I rekindled a romantic relationship and my family has finally moved back to Indonesia. All these changes are essentially good – I lost a job but gained a new one, the person I love is back in my life and I can be with my family as often as I want. Yet since last week started with me saying good-bye my guy, being exhausted from travels, starting a new job, being thrown into a work trip that was stressful and exhausting, coming back to the city to go straight to the airport to pick up my family, to a weekend full of sorting the living situation, to starting a new job and running on 9 hours sleep over a span of 3 days because of the world cup being aired in the common area outside of my room and the climax of the week: having to deal with an explosive family situation that threw me completely off kilter… to say things have been overwhelming is a massive understatement. I have not been dealing well and to top it off, the one thing that was keeping me really happy also went sour tonight as a result of a big argument. It seems like every time I thought things couldn’t get worse this week, they did. When will it stop?
[Disclaimer: This post is long and the lengthiness really only begins now!]
Leaving my old work place was bittersweet. Things were getting tense between people and I felt like the ‘middle-man’. While I was incredibly lucky to have landed in such a warm and welcoming place to start my career in Indonesia, I was also glad to have the chance to move my career on to a bigger and more serious role. The new work place is an incredible step up for me: it gives me the chance to focus on a specific thematic area in development and as reporting officer I have a great deal more responsibility. Being back in the office this week has been a struggle mostly because of sleep deprivation. I have been thrown into the deep end by joining the team mid-month with my work due at the end of the month this means: lots of catching up on who does what, who did my job before, reporting formats, information collection and analysis and expectations! Knowing I have about 2 weeks to process everything and submit 4 reports by the end of June (esp. with a wasted week) has made it so difficult for me to feel confident in my ability to do the job. I thought: Why the hell am I here? Why did they choose ME (of all people) to do this work?! Of course, once I got my head in the game yesterday I felt more comfortable but the pressure is on and I’m still nervous as fcuk because I have to get this right!
Perhaps the biggest upset for me this week, the event that drained me the most emotionally, mentally and even physically, has been my family situation. The tension between my brother and parents have been building for several months now and when he arrived on Sunday the tension was palpable the minute he stepped into the apartment. On Wednesday night my sister contacted me literally freaking out and saying that she really needs my help and when I read the messages I knew something had happened between them (my parents and brother). A huge fight (both physical and verbal) had broken out between my mother and brother and the result was that my brother had a panic attack complete with hallucinations and my mother gave an ultimatum to my dad: either my brother gets his act together or she leaves the family. When I heard that my heart just jumped straight to my throat and I felt so sick. I panicked in a big way and didn’t know how to respond. How is it that my family got here? These are the things that you hear happen in movies – no parent actually threatens to leave their family, do they? Big smack of reality in the face there. Needless to say I rushed to the apartment as soon as I could on request of my dad to suss out the situation myself. I didn’t know what to say to my family – I was so disappointed in my brother but I was horrified at what my mum had said. Would she really leave us? I read a quote a few days before this event:
“I also know that there are few issues that will destroy you faster than matters of the heart.”
So apt. It could not have been more true after I walked into my parent’s room that night to try to talk to mum, only to find her curled up in a ball under the covers crying her eyes out. Honestly? I can think of nothing worse than seeing a parent in such a fragile state. That’s where you’re supposed to be – you’re the one that’s supposed to be consoled. You’re not the consoler but that is exactly where I found myself. As I sat crying on the edge of the bed hugging my mom’s legs and listening to her talk about leaving, about how she could fail so horribly as a parent, how she felt misused and disrespected by her eldest child, I felt a part of me break inside. Although the anger was directed towards my brother I still felt as if I had failed my parents as their child and it made me feel so small. Useless. Since then my brother has seen a doctor and gotten some medication but the tension is still palpable under the surface. My brother is trying to do right and do better and my mother is trying hard to keep herself together but underneath the somewhat ‘normal facade’ that has covered up our wounds, I am scared that there will be another outburst and then mum will really leave. Yes, every family is ‘dysfunctional’ in its own way but I never imagined for a second that my family would end up here. I don’t know what to do or if there is anything I can do. I’m scared and it makes me feel even more alone.
My relationship was the one thing that was keeping me somewhat happy throughout all of this. Yes, things were overwhelming but it helped that I had him to distract me. But then all of sudden today things went off-kilter and an argument exploded in my face. It was the last thing I wanted and the last thing I needed. It is difficult re-kindling a flame to start anew but walking down the same old road you were on before. Stupid decision or wise decision to give it a chance? I guess only time will tell but it has been difficult. Difficult to get the trust back on track and difficult for me to deal with being away from him again. Of all the things that I want the most would just to be able to be with him so that we can try to be a normal couple and do things normal couples would do. It was so good before and those memories will always be there but sometimes I wonder if that is all we’ll ever have – those memories of that time. Trust has always been the main factor for me in any relationship and I never realized once broken how difficult it would be to rebuild it. I’m trying to get past some of the barriers in my head (and heart) that will allow me to put that trust in him again. Sometimes it works so well and I’m cruising on the high of being able to put that trust in him again; but then it’s like a trigger. Something happens and I remember all of the hurt, all of the anger and feelings of betrayal and I go back to square one and trying to bring the walls back down again. It’s not impossible to rebuild trust; everybody knows that it takes time but I don’t know how to do it. Yet, if this relationship has any chance of ever working out I know that I have to try and probably much harder – and I want to! – but I just don’t know where to start… This is what the argument was about tonight – trust and not trusting, trusting but no trust. I wish he believed me when I said I’m trying and if he doesn’t then where does that leave us, too?
Life has been complicated (especially) lately. I feel as if I will never be able to shake off this feeling of bone-deep fatigue and sometimes I don’t even remember what it feels like to not feel this… drained all the time. It’s like I need to constantly keep go-go-going otherwise if I stop I’m just going to fall flat on my face and not get back up again. I wish matters of the heart weren’t so difficult. I wish things didn’t hurt so much.