This will probably be my
5th or 6th (7th actually as I didn’t have internet last night and thus couldn’t post) attempt to write a blog post in the past week and a half. I have gotten complacent in the biggest way and I think it’s because I feel like right now my life is going nowhere. It is a scary thought and one that sends me spiraling into a deep dark hole of fears and insecurities and from which I must then proceed to try and claw my way out of before I am consumed and driven legally insane. Clawing out has admittedly been harder to do recently.
Life at home has been somewhat of a battle. The level of tension that runs through this household on a daily basis is high and so needless to say I find myself feeling constantly stressed out every day. It has been a tough adjustment having all the kids back under the same roof again after what has been years of living separately (with the odd return home for a few weeks or a month). We (parent included) have all gotten used to going about our daily business in a certain way that pleases us and in coming home those ‘ways’ have had to be altered. I can no longer do what I like when I like or how I like without mom’s persistent voice in the background telling me I’m doing it all wrong. It (more than) feels like the independence I once had living on my own away from home has all but disappeared and oh how I do miss it…
I’m not being ungrateful about being back home with my family – not at all. I have enjoyed spending time with my siblings and I have also enjoyed the moments I have spent with my mom. Although we have had our good share of arguments we have also ‘rekindled’ that bond connecting us as mother and daughter and have had some good laughs too. While it feels odd to have practically all of us under one roof again it is also a nice change because it has been so long since we were close to having the family ‘complete’ again (the only person missing is Dad but he usually visits once a month from Burma).
I just feel that lately there has been too much of a heaviness in my heart. Emotions keep welling up and everyday I feel like I am a volcano ready to erupt – from anger, sadness, longing, fear. At this point in time I feel like my life has come to a standstill and I have no purpose other than to just exist day to day. It makes me feel so hopeless. Finding a job seems to get harder every day and every day that I have to write another cover letter is another day that I feel like there’s no point. Not to mention that there is every possibility that SdC and I won’t be together for a long time and that just adds more weight to my heart. I don’t want to do this distance thing forever; and personally, I don’t think I can mentally and emotionally handle it. I know nothing is set in stone yet but I don’t want to spend a good part of my young-adult life longing for someone on the other side of the planet. It’s just too heartbreaking.
I am a 24 year old ex-student who is jobless, living at home and depending on her parents for survival. My boyfriend is on the other side of the world and with the way things are looking right now it seems he’ll be staying there. I am struggling in a big way to find employment that will not only appeal to my interests but will also allow me to finally fend for myself. I am stuck at home with my family who pretty much want to kill each other every day. I do nothing in my every day that would make me feel proud of myself. I FEEL STUCK. I want to get out