This distance is like poison in my veins. Lately, it seems like everything is being set for failure. Nothing seems to be clicking and the things that are supposed to make things better, to make things easier, has only made things worse and a lot harder than they should be. My heart insists on beating sporadically and in overtime every 5-10 minutes when I think of how wrong this situation feels to me at the moment. My breath catches and my head spins I feel so confused. This is not what I expected. I feel like I’m lost in an overgrown forest with barely visible pathways leading off in a multitude of directions and I know which path I’m supposed to take because I’ve been on it before but it seems that I’ve forgotten which step I’m supposed to take first to get there.
There is a giant barrier that has erected itself in front of me and while I am trying so hard to knock it down so I can move forward and things can drift back to ‘normal’, it is in vain because of the part of me that wants to keep it there for fear of what awaits me on the other side. I feel like I closed my eyes for a second and woke up to chaos in my head and my heart. How did things get so complicated? I want so badly to allow myself to accept the sorry’s and the okay’s and to once again sweep things under the rug so we can ‘forget’ and continue as if nothing happened; but I can’t. You are so much a part of me that it seems impossible to imagine a future that is not in some way entangled with yours but I can’t do it like this. Like this I forget the reasons why we should stay together. Like this, with my barriers, all I want to do is push you away. Like this I want to hate you for making me love you so much because all the strain I feel in my heart at this moment is so reminiscent of the pain I feel when it breaks and I can’t take it.
Call me crazy. Call this an exaggeration of my emotions. I want so much for everything to feel okay but forcing myself to believe that things are fine doesn’t seem to be working anymore. Maybe what they say is right – that the only way to survive this distance is to be physically open and emotionally closed off. It seems impossible.
This distance is like poison in my veins and it’s threatening to pull us apart.