30DoT: Day 8, Take 2

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

This one is going to be quite a short post (not just because I’m tired and it’s getting late but) because I feel like I am starting to sound like a broken record now. I could answer this question from the perspective I have answered the majority of the other questions with and take an example from my most recently failed relationship. While I wouldn’t say this person ‘made my life hell’ (although the times we broke up and the final ‘truth comes out’ episode certainly felt like it) they didn’t treat me the way they should have done. By that I mean they didn’t respect me by betraying and lying to me and so they treated me like shit. The most important thing is that I have learned from it and as I progress through these challenges I realize that I continue to learn from it every day; it is good reinforcement in case my brain decides to ‘flop’ and tempt me to repeat my mistakes. I’m convinced I won’t.TONDq

Overall though I’m quite happy to say that the relationships I now have in my life are with people who I know won’t treat me like shit or make my life hell. I haven’t made many tight bonds with new people recently and as such I haven’t given anyone the opportunity to impact my life so negatively or dramatically and that’s a good thing.

I would like to think that I have always been a friendly person and I believe that my friendships across the world prove that. It has always been relatively easy for me to make new friends (whether we get close or not is a different story) as I’m quite open and easy going about most things. However, I think I have reached a point in my life now where I’m beginning to be really careful with who I let into my life and who I let close to me because I’m tired of trying with people only to be taken for granted or treated badly. I’m not just talking about my most recent experiences either but I’m thinking of the people who have come and gone who have treated me like shit (not one person in particular). Right now I’d much rather have great relationships with those I already have close to me instead of letting people in who might eventually mistreat me as a friend.

One Month.

I realized last night as I was crossing off the days on my calendar that this past Sunday marked one month. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that he’s no longer anything in my life and I have to shake myself to remember it. Last night I thought to myself, if this has only been one month, how is it going to feel going months, a year, two years and/or more without any contact? It leaves me with an aching sensation in that spot between my chest and gut, that feeling I get when something is missing. It’s weird and this realization has left me a little off-kilter today.

I has a sad...I still miss hearing his voice and his laugh, miss seeing his face and his smile; I miss him being such a vital part of my every day routine. Last night I found myself engaging in unhealthy behaviour as I scoured the web trying to find any trace of him online. I think the photo I found on my WordPress Media Library the other night triggered this desperation; it was the first photo ever taken of us (before we were even a couple!) and we look so young, happy and carefree. I can’t believe it was so long ago.

I can’t stop my wandering mind from wondering what he’s doing, where he’s doing it and how he’s doing with things in his life. I am doing my best to stop when I start thinking of the ‘who’ as that would only be detrimental for me. I still get this pang in my chest, a slight tightening, a little squeezing, whenever I think of a future without him in it and I wonder when that will stop.

30DoT: Day 7, Take 2

Once again, I’m reflecting back on my first attempt at answering this challenge. I find it really interesting to see how I thought back then and whether or not those thoughts are still valid for me today. So far, all of my answers can still be applied today although my priorities may have changed some since five years have passed. It is in ways refreshing to read of how I thought five years ago too because I exuded such positivity and self-love vibes – especially when answering today’s challenge:

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for

When I answered this challenge in 2010 I talked about how there’s no one whose made my life worth living more than I myself made it and that I’m living my life for me and no one else, as it should be. It’s a recurring realization that hits me harder every day that I have faced this 30 Days of Truth challenge where I have to question myself, my thoughts and my actions of late. I’m going to quote myself here:

…But when it comes down to it I don’t live for them; I live for me. I don’t think it’s fair to ‘give’ someone else the responsibility of ‘holding’ your life in their hands. If you make someone your whole world, what happens when they let you down and they do something like leave you? Where would you be then? What would you do? I do think it’s important to have people in your life that will make your everyday better,  that will push you up when you’re back down, but I don’t think you should make your life about living for them.

I should listen to myself more because every word of that is right – I don’t live for them, I live for me and if I put my whole world in someone else’s hands and base my happiness on making someone else happy then where would I be if they leave or let me down? That’s the position I find myself clambering back from now. Over the last few years I have forgotten the importance of my own happiness and lived it based on making my SO happy and now that we’re no longer together, I am scrambling to figure myself out again. It wasn’t even that my SO ‘made me’ give myself up; no, I take fully responsibility for that because I willingly changed myself for him and I let myself believe that his happiness and our happiness was all I needed to be happy. But I am just as important, if not even more so, than anyone else who I let into my life; I should not forget that.

While it’s nice to see how positive I was then, it saddens me to see how much has changed now…

Having said that, unlike the last time, I’m giving my friends and family the credit they fully deserve in making me remember how wonderful this life is. My parents have become closer than ever in the last year and I am so thankful that they are there for me – even though I’m a 26 year old working girl who is struggling to save her money and is often finding herself falling back to her parent’s support (like right now…). I don’t know how I would have made it through this period without them, both emotionally and financially, and I’m glad that I finally have the ‘best-friend-relationship’ with them that I have always craved growing up. They know everything I have been through – details of heartbreak, job struggles, financial woes and all – and I look forward to the day when I can give back what they have given me all these years.

Then there are my friends. Oh, my friends who are so far away from me and who I long to be reunited with so much. Not only did they help me through my struggles in the past and helped me to stop hurting myself, they’re still sticking with me and helping me through my rough emotional days when all I want to do is cry. It is so hard being away from your best friends when all you want is to get a huge hug from them and to let it all out to feel better but despite the distance, I know I can still turn to them whenever I need to (and vice versa, of course). Every day that I want to tear myself up over my stupid decisions, over my heartbreak, over my overactive thoughts and raging emotions that just don’t want to let me be, they help to remind me that everything will be okay and that this time I have to put me first and I shouldn’t forget it.

30DoT: Day 6, Take 2

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do

I was looking through my first answer to this challenge earlier today while I was trying to figure out what to write. Back then I wrote about my hope of never having to lose someone I love and about never having to choose between the people I love. For the most part those sentiments I had then are still valid today as I still don’t want to have to go through those things. Ironically enough though, I have (more or less) had to face the latter at one point over the last few years of my life and I did what I was adamant I would never do (which was to actually choose one over the other). So I guess that one is an invalid point although I hope that I will never have to do that again or that if I do I will be smarter about it the next time around.

That does leave me with the former though, which is that I hope I never have to lose someone I love unexpectedly. I know, losing people is all part of the process of life and I accept that, but having the chance to say good-bye to them and to have the opportunity for closure would be much better than having that life taken away so suddenly. I reflect back on the incident of the friend I mentioned in my first post, about how he died so randomly in what can only be termed a ‘freak-accident’ and I can’t imagine having to go through that for someone like a lover, a family member or an even closer friend. It’s like getting that phone call – you never want to be on the receiving end of it and you hope you’ll never have to get it.

I guess other things can be applied to this as well; for example, I hope I never have to choose between life or death for someone else if they’re incapable of doing it themselves. I also hope I never have to be the person on the other line passing on the news that their loved one/friend/family is now gone. I don’t imagine having the strength to be able to do any of the above.

I know death is inevitable; at one point or another we all lose someone we love and no matter how many times you go through a tragedy, I am quite sure it never gets any easier. Nevertheless, I’d much rather have the chance to say my good-bye’s instead of finding myself bereft of their presence in my life without any ‘warning’.

30DoT: Day 5, Take 2

Something you hope to do in your life

Well, I’m not really sure what to say about this one. I mean, there are plenty of things I would like to do in my life but most of it is pretty regular ‘mundane’ stuff like finding love, traveling, being happy, being successful in my endeavors, having a family and simply enjoying the good things. I do hope I get to do all those things in my lifetime; but having said that, I’m pretty sure this question is pointing more towards talking about that “one great thing” you hope to achieve in your life and at this point I’m not really sure what that is anymore.

Lately I have been questioning myself a lot about what I’m doing with my life and where I am going with it. When I embarked on my journey from Australia to Cambodia and then from Cambodia to the UK a few years ago I was dead certain that I knew what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. Yet somewhere along the journey to where I am today I seem to have lost my bearings and have now ended up a little lost…

make-a-differenceI still hope to make a difference in the lives of those who are living in abject poverty. I still want to help them see that there are ways to escape that life and that they can be so much more than what that cycle of poverty dictates. I want to open their minds to possibilities and I want to help them change the way they see themselves and the world they live in.

The only thing is, I’m now questioning whether I am even capable of coming close to doing something like that. I look at myself working in this incredibly competitive field that I’m in and I think that I am in no way better than anyone else, in fact I might just be a whole lot worse than most. Am I capable of hanging tough amongst the ‘real smarties’ in this crowd? What if everyone can see how stupid and incapable I am and wonder what the hell I’m doing here with them? I know it all comes down to my self-confidence and insecurities but sometimes (and more often lately) I do wonder if I’ve chosen the wrong career path. I know it’s not too late to change my direction but at the same time I’m not even sure what else I’d want to or could even half-decently do in my life. These thoughts are all so terrifying.

The answer to this question then is that I still hope to be able to make a real difference in this world. Even if it’s just by helping one person but making a real tangible difference in their lives. I know I’d be happy with that because it would count towards making their world a better place. I just wonder if I’ll ever be able to do it…

30DoT: Day 4, Take 2

This is going to be a quick post as I’m currently sitting at the smoking lounge of arrivals, waiting for my parents to come out with the fluffy little monsters [apologies in advance if much of it doesn’t make sense].

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

At this point in my life there’s only one person who I am actively working to forgive and that’s the person who recently stopped being a major part of my life because they misused my trust, love and affection and they ultimately broke my heart. Although I have been hashing my feelings out on my blog, it is still hard as hell to talk about him and the events that led to our breakup because every time I talk about it, it kind of feels like rubbing salt onto a gaping wound.

Do I have to forgive you? No. But I want to because you meant so much to me and it would make me sad if all I ever did was look back and think about how messed up everything got between us. We started off as people who would speak on occasion, who would go out every once in a while with other friends and then over time, throughout our relationship, you became one of my best friends. You were the person I looked forward to speaking with the most every day – to share all my random silly thoughts with, to share the excitement in finding new things we both would like, to share news about the things we’ve been doing and the funny things we saw or heard that day.

Losing your lover and a best friend in one fell swoop is so fucking brutal.

1c19dd_2080864I have to forgive you for throwing what we had away to satisfy your base needs and to cure your loneliness. I have to forgive you for turning to someone else when it should have been me. You took playing with my feelings to an extreme and (fool is me) I let you because I trusted you. Even in those times you were certain I never did trust you, I did with all my heart; so much so that I pushed back my gut feelings, I looked the other way the first and second times you lied and I didn’t listen to my head.  You told me that you would never ever do anything to hurt me because you knew what that hurt feels like and it’s horrible and I hate that you took advantage of my trust in your words. You have made me feel so completely unworthy because, if what you claimed was true, I was the first person you ever felt the need to cheat on and go through with doing it more than once.

I have to forgive you for making it so easy for me to throw caution to the wind and making me lose trust in my own judgement. I loved you so much and you took advantage of that. You hooked onto my insecurities and you used it to your advantage by convincing me that everything that I thought happened was just that – a thought, my imagination running rampant because of my insecurities – because nothing ever happened.  I can’t believe how easily you guilted me into always believing you by playing myself against me. Of course, the blame is not all on you. I guess I wanted so much to believe you were still that good guy who said you’d always protect my heart, so I let it all slide. Definitely my bad…

I’m so sad and disappointed that something I considered to be “the best thing that ever happened to me” has ended up so bitter and has made me feel so lost. I wish you would have let me go sooner. I have to try to forgive you for that.

Damn, this challenge is hard… :(

30DoT: Day 3, Take 2

It only seems to get harder… Day 3, here we go!

Something you have to forgive yourself for

In preparing myself to answer this question, I looked at my first take on the challenge and came across a quote in a comment someone left that struck a deep chord with me.

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different than it was.

When I read that I felt like crying. Yes, it’s about letting go of the past we thought we always wanted so that it cannot hold us a prisoner in our present life. In answering this question right now, I am focusing on a particular event that has recently occurred in my life which has basically tossed it upside down. If anyone has read any of my posts (especially) over the last few weeks, it’s quite clear that my mental and emotional state is scrambled and simply, a mess. I’m feeling pretty miserable; mending a broken heart is freaking tough but trying to leave all that in the past is probably even harder.

Inner Strength

Looking back, one of my biggest regrets from this relationship was that I forgot my strength and in doing so I didn’t respect myself. That is something I have to forgive myself for. It’s still painful to talk about because the wounds are still relatively raw and I think they will be for some time even though I’m doing my best to push on.

I didn’t realize it when we were together or maybe I just really didn’t want to face up to it then, but I really let myself down in this relationship. I knew that I shouldn’t have felt that much hurt being with someone who’s supposed to love me; I knew that [at the breaking point] the right decision was to make a clean cut from him; I knew that in order to stop feeling this uncertainty about myself, about my relationship and about him, I had to do all the things that I didn’t want to do; but I didn’t do it. I stayed. I stayed because I forgot that I didn’t need to be with him to find strength in myself or to be strong. I continued to put him and our relationship first because I couldn’t remember a time without him and it made me scared. It upsets me to admit that I hurt myself a lot in staying with him [towards the end] because I willingly let him walk all over what strength I had left and I forgot how to think FOR me and what it would take for me to be happy. I didn’t respect myself and that makes me sad.

I know the things that happened did so for a reason but that doesn’t make me any less angry with myself for letting the past play out as it did. I’m working on finding that strength and on re-learning how to put myself first because I matter, how I feel, what I want, what I think, matters and I can’t forget it again. I’m working on forgiving myself one baby-step at a time.